Original Prayer

I feel so far from God, the closer I try to get to the Lord the farther I feel. I try my best to live holy and obey him hoping this will please him and make me feel better. I live for my boys to give the the life I could not have and protect the from the life and pains these eyes have seen. I got saved when I was 17 I was a atheist fighting for my life in a overdose which led to my coversion 4 Christ. things was awesome at first and know it seems like I can't shake my haunting past. I dont feel like God can love me for the things I did before then. If I Christian can't even say his past sins in a church, what is he to do. I would be hated if christians knew the things I used to do. It is hard to not hate myself. Use your imagination real grosteque and vulgur and take out the one sin I have'nt done that I know of which is incense. Paul the apostle used to administer grace to me, but I starting to think I am a exception. I know we walk by faith and not sight , but in my case God would have to verify my forgiveness. My transformation is evident , but the feeling behind it is fear and trying to get Gods acceptence. Everybody thinks Im ok but it doesnt feel that why hiding all these dark child-teenage secrets. I wish God would just take everything I am til I cease to exxist, I wonder what it feels like to be free from the past, I knew for a short while , til a voice whispered in my ear who I was kidding. I want to be destined for greatness in Christ , but everytime I go forward I dont feel good enough to be Called for Him , I still feel like a orphan, I feel him like a dad, but I dont feel like a son. I often would like to rest but I just want to go to heaven. I'm not willing to take that chance. It sounds crazy but I believe there is mad witches and warlocks assigned to me to keep me bound because the Lord Jesus Christ keeps sending people to me and my family telling us we are destined for greatness. Who am I to tell him his wrong but has he forget what things I done. Missionaries for africa wrote it on a piece of paper and told us first. I want to be free again. But this time I want my memory erased from my past.please pray that the spirit of worthlessness would go and unforgiveness doubts lack of trust suicide lusts abandonment guilt and whatever else is not of God, Lord feel me with the opposite and make who who Im destined 2 be or just kill me now because life without you is meaningless, thanks for listening to me ramble. Much Love 2 all my bros' and sis' in Christ Jesus Just a souljah trying to get back on my way and take a few mill with me. grace and peace in his name

Submitted by roy on 23 Jun 2006

Responses

Roy i just want you to know your not alone. I am having a bad day today, havent had one this bad for a long time. i really dont know sometimes how it comes on but i do know its from the enemy. trouble is that when things are like this i tend to listen to his voice more than the the voice of God who tells us the truth and who we really are. i pray to our God you come through God is with us every step, sometimes its tough when people tell me one step at a time but it is true and the only failure is giving up! dont give up!! i am telling this to myself too today. i'm living with christian friends but dont even feel like talking to them but i know if i dont talk to someone i'm leaving myself open to more blows from the enemy and if i dont hit back with joy and authority in who i am in Christ after each blow, then i am weaker when the next blow comes, and i ts not in our hearts to be knocked down. God gave us a new heart when we accepted him so its in there and dont let him pull the clouds over the light or fill you will guilt or condemnation, this is a big trick of his. hav to go roy expensive cafe here God Bless you Bro!

Submitted by michael on 16 Aug 2006

I'm gonna pray for you my friend but I wanted to say a few things first. I can relate to much of what you have said, although my sins where related to guns, drugs and soldiering, I really never thought that the Lord Jesus could possibly forgive me, I guess knowing that you have probably broken all of the commandments leaves you feeling pretty wretched, it took me a long time to know that I am forgiven, truly forgiven and my friend no one beats us up or makes us feel more unforgiven often than ourselves, as I read your request I just felt, brother you need to let go and know that you are forgiven, non of us have gone so bad that we can not find salvation grace and forgiveness, non of us have strayed to deep or to far from God's awesome love - "Just a souljah trying to get back on my way" I know about being a soldier, I spent the best years of my life fighting other people's stuff, friend know this, you are not alone, you may feel like you are behind the lines but you are not alone, you may feel that you have no support but you are not alone my friend you are not alone, pick up your gear my friend, stand up and march back to Him, the Living God, it sounds like its you who can't forgive yourself, listen you are forgiven, if you have repented then you are forgiven, it doesnt matter what you or I have done in our lives, you my friend are forgiven, accept that forgiveness, you Roy are as pure as driven snow once you have fallen to your knee's and ask the Lord Jesus Christ's forgiveness. Lord Jesus I want to lift our brother Roy to you, its so hard sometimes to accept that we can be forgiven but I pray that you Lord let Roy know that the pain and suffering you went through on the cross 2000 years ago was for Him, it was enough and it was finnished, I pray that your Holy spirit might fall upon Roy in awesome power, heal Roy's hurts, help to to know you as his Father, help him to see you as the perfect Father and wrap your loving arms around him, Lord Jesus I pray in the name of Jesus for all the chains that hold Roy down to be broken in your name Jesus, break the hold that the past has on Him, break the chains of lust over his life and let him know complet and perfect freedom in you Lord Jesus, I ask this in your name Lord Jesus Christ Our Lord and Our Saviour Amen

Submitted by AndyR on 26 Jun 2006