Original Prayer

God. I want to be happy. Happy in who I am and comfortable enough to be me without always planning how to be me. Will I ever get there? I'm only hanging on cos I've got you God. I'm so low! I'm bored of this life and want to wash it off like too much mud on me. I cant believe I don't know what I'm like without this worrying. I'm ALLWAYS presenting an act. A model of how I want to be and the world to see me-rather than for me to accept who I am. Oh No, to go there is too painful. Why should it hurt to contemplate relaxing? Why would it hurt so much that at the back of my mind every day I'm trying to be a concept rather than a real person. The real me is there under all the filth. Will you help me wash it away? How can it hurt for no reason just being me? I mean, as I type this I hurt---why? Because I'm this wreck- freshly painted to impress on the outside yet rotting underneath. Under the rot that's where I am but I'm afraid of what I might meet when I peel off all these heavy layers. Will I be a scared boy? Will my few characteristics that I am praised for now be found to not even exist? To let go of this stage-show and see the real me is to let go of the few threads that I actually like about my existence. What if I lose it all? Is it worth it? I couldn't live if I lost everything good and became a bad mess. Its a risk that I can only take with you. Only in you can I build enough trust to go there. Your the only reason that might actually outweigh this darkness- the only thing I can put ALL my hope in one basket before I take the plunge. How far away is that time that I will be able to trust you enough to do this, and when I reach it....what will I do? I love you. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I'm a disappointment and only your grace keeps me standing. I'm sorry. Please stay with me and help me. I don't want to sink low now, I want to pick myself up from this and for us to surge forward tonight and be stronger from this mess. Lets do it together, you know the way, and I'm going to trust you in as much as I can. Thank you that my best is enough only because your grace makes up the shortfall to accomplish this walk. Without you I would dwindle into nothing..slowly sink under the surface until no one remembered me. Who ever I am, I want to encounter the real me now. I want to drop this caked exterior and the tears and heartache-the dull dreary ache of existing. I'm ready to push forward again now, I'll wait for you to show me where my next footstep must fall. Thanks Dad. Father God.

Submitted by D on 15 Dec 2009

Responses

Dear D (and also C who responded) How bravely and honestly you have written about the way you feel! I am in awe of the way you have confronted big questions about who you are and the difference between the outer and inner selves. I can't presume to know any of the answers, I am just as lost, and as someone whose faith has been lost, or rather submerged, for many many years, I have lots of things myself to work through and learn. I hope your experiences and journeys in faith and prayer since this prayer was posted have given you strength and comfort in your moving forward in your spiritual life. The real you will be a wonderful, stronger person, and God will never let go of your hand as long as you grip tight. If you let go, He'll still be there - just reach out again! Love and Prayers, Christine.

Submitted by Christine on 11 Mar 2010

i could have written this myself...been feeling that perhaps am only one who feels like this.

Submitted by C on 1 Feb 2010

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