Sarah J shares some honest insights

Sarah J

When Heather asked me if I would write an article on dating for the website I was excited and nervous. Up until recently I may have been a good contestant for the world record for the longest period of 'not dating'! In my late teens and early 20's I was a prolific 'dater' with mixed results! But over the last 10 years I have really enjoyed this thing called 'singleness'. Singleness is a gift: a gift of time to do the things you are passionate about, enjoy socialising with friends and make a difference in the world - for me a big part of that was doing faith based community projects in my spare time. I was one busy chick, living life to its fullest!

I can't say that I was uninterested in the opposite sex - just that I was content and busy. I also thought that maybe 'Mr Right' would simply turn up on my doorstep. I have heard some great stories of people saying God instructed them to a specific address with an item and when they arrived the person at that address had been praying for that very item - so I didn't think a door knock was beyond God! However, to my disappointment the only knocks on my door came from people wanting to sell me new windows and doors! So I guess there was a challenge coming my way - I needed to free up some time to explore what was beyond my doorstep! This is one of my big lessons - the sowing and reaping principle. What you invest into relationships is what you get out of them. I knew the importance of investing in relationships with family and friends but wasn't really investing anything into romance. You need energy and some time on your hands to 'date' because relationships are more about giving than receiving. This meant having to give up some of the things I love about 'singleness' - I had to make room for something new to happen. That didn't mean ditching my mates! That just meant being less busy and getting my life into balance so there was room in my life to date.

So I plucked up the courage and started to investigate what was out there - or rather 'who' was out there. One of my big lessons here was that my old principles of whether I was 'sexually attracted' to someone wasn't necessarily the best way forward. Reflecting on my past, I realised that often the people that I was most allured to were not so good for me. So I decided that I'd put to one side whether I really fancied someone or not and focus on whether the person was sound, had a great personality and that there was a sense of pursuing similar things (including faith). I figured that physical attraction can grow as you get to know someone. My mum always says that you need to have some attraction because when you get married you have to wake up to your partner each day - so don't get me wrong I wasn't just getting a personality inventory out to see if the person ticked my boxes - that would be a bit weird! But I was recognising that my 'type' and maybe God's idea of 'my type' might be a bit different and I needed to be open minded.

As a Christian I used to wonder whether God had just one person in mind for each of us and that eventually I'd find 'the one', or more romantically he'd fine me. I now believe that there are many people out there that have potential to work in a romantic relationship - that there is a 'type' that best fits with you - rather than only one person. You may get an idea for this 'type' based on the people you most get on with and are able to be yourself with, people that bring out the best in you.

I talk to guys all the time through work and existing friends but hadn't really put myself out there. I'd encourage you that if you are single and looking to find someone special - practice talking to single people so that you'll be more natural when you meet people that you decide you quite like. Eventually, that's where I got to on my journey - I met someone I quite liked. This brought with it new challenges. I'm quite traditional in my thinking and like the idea of a guy pursuing a girl. But on this occasion I had to step out and initiate. Scary stuff! My 'boy/girl' stereotypes were being amended!

So the person says 'yes' - what next? There is some wisdom in meeting in safe public places and also having a balance of meeting in a group context and as a couple. It is helpful to see the person's behaviour in different settings to get a real sense of whether there is potential for something more serious. It's important to have fun together but having deeper conversations about values and beliefs is also good to get to know what's important to the person - what things do they like and dislike etc. Opinions can change over time so don't be put off by someone having a different view to you on a topic - but values on how to treat people and the world are usually quite solid so check out whether you are on the same page.

Talking about communication - I wanted to share a few thoughts on lip action! Yep, kissing! I'm not a 'no kissing on dates' advocate but I do think that it is good to build friendship first and to learn how to communicate verbally before tonsil hockey! Delaying physical intimacy can help you to process your emotions for a person and get to know them for who they are, rather than whether they kiss well!

Another point on lip action is about what information passes through them. I'm an 'open book' kind of girl and value honesty and vulnerability. However, there are some things about my past that my 'date' doesn't need to know at this stage. For example, my past 'date life' and wounds I may have received from past romances aren't something that the other person needs to know. Maybe if I get more serious with the person and pursue marriage they may need to know some of my past then. Think about what you might regret saying if you don't continue in relationship. I'd recommend that if you've got things that are still wounds to chat about that stuff with someone else that you trust.

Past hurts from dating experiences can also be healed through new positive dating experiences, so try not to let your past shut your future down. I once had a boyfriend in my teens that told me that I wasn't funny and shouldn't make jokes. I've since found out that this isn't true and that wound got healed - a full restoration of this came when dating someone that found me funny and let me have fun. This is one of the 'history' things that I don't need to share with future dates though! I'm sharing this with you to encourage you that positive experiences can replace negative ones! I'm convinced that even positive experiences of being rejected or dumped can bring healing!

One thing that I've realised is that if things end with someone you don't have to harden your heart towards them. I used to be someone that would shut down after a relationship ends and try to focus on the bad things about the person and why I was glad that we weren't together. This isn't really a healthy way to move on! I've come to realise that if you have liked/loved a person because of their good qualities, you can still think well of them and keep your heart tender. You just need to make a 'thinking shift' to them now being a friend in a non-romantic way and then you can keep on liking them as a person. You might find that shift difficult due to the time you've been with someone, so I want to encourage you that God is able to heal broken hearts and if yours is broken, He'll help you move on. You can invite God to fill your heart with His love and let that sooth what you are going through. You might lose a boyfriend/girlfriend but just think you might gain a great mate. If the person has hurt you through their behaviour then forgiving them will keep your heart tender and focusing on their positive attributes will help you to not get bitter. If you still want to be with them but they don't want to be with you, respect their decision - free will is a precious gift! You might want to chat about why things didn't work out and also to share the positive things you have contributed to one another's lives as a way of closure.

Now none of my tips here are a guarantee to success - but I hope that they encourage you in your journey! Have fun! And I also recommend that you pray on your dating journey for God's wisdom and direction - He's a helpful ingredient in the romance recipe.