Joy Attmore comments on the case of Michelle Carter and her now deceased boyfriend, Conrad Roy III.

Joy Attmore

"You're finally going to be happy in heaven. No more pain. It's okay to be scared and it's normal. I mean, you're about to die." Words spoken from a girlfriend to her suicidal boyfriend in the weeks before he took his own life.

These words chilled me when I first read them. I was shocked and my heart broken. How could someone say something so cold, so final, so seemingly uncaring to someone that they apparently loved? How could they allow words out of their mouth that would undoubtedly be a catalyst for action on the part of the one who received them?

I've read the story of Michelle Carter and her now deceased boyfriend, Conrad Roy III, in detail and it moved me to respond in some form that I am still figuring out, so I shall start with my words.

I've been that person who 'feels too much'; who seems to relate more to pain than joy and who doesn't seem to find a reason to keep living and so just begins to give up. I did give up.

Giving up is often easier than keeping going.

When I was 18 I came crashing down into a season of darkness where I couldn't seem to lift my focus to view the hills of hope for long enough to change my vision. My heart felt deeply and became overwhelmed with sadness. I had so much to live for, but I lost sight of it, choosing blindness over fullness and gave up.

In August of that year I made an attempt to end my life that just resulted in scarred wrists and a shame-filled admission to those who noticed in the days that followed. I had plenty of voices around me in that time. Good voices. Voices filled with love and hope, who spoke life and truth over me, making declarations of beauty to counter-act mine of despair. There was one voice though that broke my heart as it was a voice that I loved, that I trusted and cared for but who, upon hearing of my struggles and sadness, chose to reject me and push me away saying, 'I was not their responsibility and they could not be there for me.'

I had never imagined that they would reject me in the time that I needed them the most. They said that they loved me, so why would they turn away now? Why would they stop fighting for me, for us, when I needed them the most; when I needed the security of their love the most?

As I write this I realise that what I'm saying may sound selfish and unfair. Being with someone who is enveloped in negativity is no easy thing. It can be draining and hurtful, frustrating and burdensome, but love restores life. Choosing to love and be present to one who is hurting will ultimately bring healing, even in the face of sacrifice.

Michelle Carter is appearing in juvenile court on October 2nd in Massachusetts, USA to face charges of manslaughter. I'm interested to see the outcome of this case, and to be honest the evidence doesn't seem to support her innocence, but this story has got me thinking and triggered a challenging thought: Is verbally encouraging someone to go through with their plans to commit suicide much different from rejecting someone with depression and suicidal thoughts when they are in dire need of love?

I am now eight years on from my last suicide attempt. In that time I have gained complete freedom from depression, have stopped self-harming and have discovered just how beautiful and glorious life is! My heart is now truly living life to the full and because of this journey that I've been on I have become a passionate advocate for healing, restoration and new beginnings. There is always hope.

I just finished reading Jamie Tworkowski's book, 'If You Feel Too Much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hoped For'. He communicates beautifully to those caught in the cycle of pain and puts words to emotions that, when you're in them, can feel completely isolating. I understand that place because I've been there and touched the bottom of its pit. The hope that Jamie talks of is real, freedom is possible and life is gloriously worth living. We all have a responsibility to maintain this truth and keep communicating it to the world around us, because this world desperately needs to hear it every day.

"If you feel too much, there's still a place for you here. If you feel too much, don't go. If this world is too painful, stop and rest. It's okay to stop and rest. If you need a break, it's okay to say you need a break.

This life - it's not a contest, not a race, not a performance, not a thing that you win. It's okay to slow down. You are here for more than grades, more than a job, more than a promotion, more than keeping up, more than getting by.This life is not about status or opinion or appearance. You don't have to fake it. You do not have to fake it. Other people feel this way too. If your heart is broken, it's okay to say your heart is broken. If you feel stuck, it's okay to say you feel stuck. If you can't let go, it's okay to say you can't let go.You are not alone in these places. Other people feel how you feel. You are more than just your pain. You are more than wounds, more than drugs, more than death and silence. There is still some time to be surprised. There is still some time to ask for help. There is still some time to start again. There is still some time for love to find you. It's not too late. You're not alone. It's okay - whatever you need and however long it takes - its okay. It's okay. If you feel too much, there's still a place for you here. If you feel too much, don't go. There is still some time."

Jamie Tworkowski, If You Feel Too Much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hoped For.