Original Prayer

firstly thank you humanity for responding right now, for providing this opportunity,for the force of god working through mankind to allow me to type in this way. i have to speak out about abandonment. i lost parents through a sudden loss at a young age, it has made me cling to loves.. even when love was not returned..just pouring my heart and soul into them hoping blindly to get love back. The last one has sucked such a lot of life out of me i feel lke an empty blob of my former self...such a dysfunctional relationship all for its own selfish gains but i would return again and again like an addict, grabbing and snacthing at moments of joy and worth, in vain, as it pushed me away time and time again and told me we would not get on.znd i just keopt thinking i knew best..that was wrong that in time with my love the love would change become true...it ended, just as a new life and love began..just as i became a mother but i still wondered why i didnt have a father for my child, why i couldnt feel the comfort of a partner and i screamed inside its unfair! why had been chosen to go it alone, i felt it was too hard for me, and for the child too- why just me when i felt so abandoned and so scared and alone. i hadnt done anything wrong i thought, why me? and my reactions to this experience were strong. i felt such anger, in waves at night in the day, i have blamed others who interfered- who didnt care (and i thought should have) and i have wanted to strike at others to say- you are wrong- why didnt you act in ways that are right not full of lies and ill communication and why cant you see you should give to life not take it away diminish it hurt it or make it turn in on itself..god saw me look at connections through tear-strained blurryeyes..and the connections i had suddenly seemed so fragile and flawed that i doubted everything i had thought was o.k before, sensing judgement and mistrust. I felt such pain my chest and head and wished it all away... then others who reached did so in a way i judged as vain or flippant (like no one really cared) ond worse i thought were doing what the last one did and use me for personal gain... i want to burn all these negative feelings as Im pushing good things away now through my despondency and despair...sometimes these emotions pop up i want to rise above them in flames and leave them like ashes behind me. I want to kick the burnt ashes to the wind, let them wash away with the rain and turn towards all i think is good again.

Submitted by d on 23 Oct 2007

Responses

I don't know you, and can't pretend that I know what you need to hear. But the kind of anguish you're going through is painful to hear. You're tearing yourself up inside and taking your cues from all the wrong places. I know that God would not leave you lost in doubt. I have to ask- have you really let Jesus into your heart, accepted all he has for you? If you're still trying to hold up all the barriers you've built over the years to keep the world out- even against him- much as he wants to, he can't force his way in. Hold up all your life to him, to try and disguise or excuse anything would do no good anyway, and be completely vulnerable. Ask him to take hold of your life, and accept the exceptional gift he died just to give to you- and even if it was only for you, he still would have done it. His support can get you through this, and the living spirit make your inner strengths shine through. I hope so much I've said the right thing, and that you can take something from this. I'm praying for you. I wish it hadn't been so long since I came along to respond. I hope you manage to read this.

Submitted by Michael on 6 Dec 2007

my story is not the same as yours, but i can relate a bit. i suffered abuse and rejection from my father when i was growing up, and therefore have issues with co-dependancy- i alternately cling on to others and suck the life out of them, but i lack confidence when others approach me to offer me the love i crave, becos i feel unworthy and afraid to trust people. i still am struggling a bit (but thankfully less), with an unhealthy attraction to older men. this attraction has little to do with sexual attraction or lust, but everything to do with needing affirmation froma man in place of my father. it is causing me difficulties with relating normally to these people, and i feel very ashamed of my neediness. i write this to let you know that you are not alone, and that i am praying for you, d. God bless you.

Submitted by C on 27 Oct 2007