Baz Gascoyne shares honestly

Baz Gascoyne

Surely not. Me - a good husband?

How can those of us who are married be good husbands and make sure we give enough time to our relationship and friendship with our wives? How can we make sure we don't allow work or our golf to consume our lives or our insecurities to hinder our marriage?

Firstly, you need to know this is not going to be one of those articles giving you seven points to make your marriage successful. I hate all that. One because I am rubbish at math; and two, because I always fail after point two.

I will tell you how it is for me, and if you can glean anything from this great, and if not that's ok. Before writing this, I thought I would ask my wife Linda if she thought I was a good husband and where I could improve, and what she thought makes a good husband. She has seen the good, bad, and ugly sides of me in the last fifteen years, so she could have some wisdom on this.

So this is what she said. She first suggested that men should not be harsh with their wives, especially in their speech. I see so many men inside and outside the church who speak to and of their wives as if they were some piece of dirty rag. 'Love your wives and do not be harsh with them' (Col 3:19)

A husband should take time to get to know his wife. What are her interests? Go and do and see what she likes and more importantly, listen. Listen not just with your ears but your eyes. Guys, let's be honest - we can't multi-task, so give her your full attention. Otherwise you will hear those words, 'Are you listening to me?' And our reply 'Yes' is always followed by 'What have I just said?'. You and I mumble something which is never correct, which just causes upset, frustration and tension. Someone once said, 'The best way to listen to someone is to look at them', as this shows you are saying, 'I value you as a person and you have my total attention.' We all want to feel valued; what a great way to show it.

We all want to be encouraged, and so do our wives. This does not always have to be verbal. A smile, a wink, a hug, a kiss, a love note under the quilt; we can all do this (and it won't cost you anything financially, for those who are stingy at spending on their wives!). And for those who like buying flowers, weekends away, flights to New York and so on, all it takes is to think of someone else rather than you! Be romantic. If you find this hard ask your wife what she would like you to do for her. Make sure this is not just done on birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day or Christmas. Learn to be spontaneous, and make sure it's not just because you want sex but because you are expressing your love and appreciation to your wife. Book date nights in your diary so nothing else can creep in, like work, golf, friends or family.

Recognise that your marriage is a partnership. We should treat our wives as equals and with respect. Gently push her and encourage her in areas where she might naturally want to back off. Don't let your insecurities and hurts make you hold your wife back and don't allow yourself to be threatened by your wife's strengths and successes. You need to learn to be yourself and not compare yourself with other men.

In all of the above, keep reminding yourself of the promises you made to your wife on your wedding day. I promised Linda that I would always believe the best about her and be faithful. I want to keep on doing this.

Pray today that you too will believe in the best of your wife and continue to bring out the best in her.