guilt over reaction to abuse

my sister and i were both emotionally, verbally and even physically abused on occasion, all our lives while we were children, until we both left home. my sister has done very well, loves God, and is a lovely, caring generous person. i have severe mental health/behaviour problems, and am having problems in career and managing my finances etc. i am glad for my sister, but feel so much guilt becos she has had it tough too, whereas i have many problems becos of being abused. i know the abuse wasn't my fault, but my reaction towards it is in some ways- i tried to kill myself several times, had breakdowns, cut myself, have an eating disorder. i find it hard to forgive myself for seeing my abuse as a "tragedy", when my sister has never felt sorry for herself (altho' she acknowledges it hurt, she is very humble), but altho' i forgive my abusers, i still hurt so much inside. i try not to feel sorry for myself, but i can't help feeling that what happened to me as a child was a terrible "tragedy", and if i tell myself it wasn't so bad, and that i was lucky compared to many children, i feel as if i have no right being depressed, and i feel more guilt. When people tell me to count my blessings, i feel like cutting my arms till the blood flows. God has been good to me, but i can't stop feeling angry towards Him for his refusal to let me forget my part in it. i was just a child, and even tho' i'm 25 now, i feel angry for being told to "get over myself."

Submitted by C on 24 May 2007

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lord, why........ why did the woman who swore to love me, and be faithfull to me in your presence. break my hart... where were you God why diddnt you anser my prayers, when you told me to forgive her the first time why did she do it again!!!!!!!! in our home in our Bed lord never in my life lord have i felt so close to you. but lord why get my attention in this way lord you have distroyed me like a jelious child, my buisness is gone, my wife is gone, yet i feel close to you.... is this how i am to live with you lord, why will you allow me to be hurt like this. lord can i not be happy in my life, must i live with the knolage that every good thing in my life will be taken from me to test my faithfullness to you? lord hear my crys lord, just as your heard those of king david i come into this place of honesty with you God coz you are big enuf to take my burden and you feel my hart as it breaks. give me joy lord when i cant have happyness..... give me inner peace lord when i can't have my wife to comfort me at night lord give me provision in life , when my buisness falls apart and the bills come in lord most of all embrace me as i come close to you lord, when no worldly thing can fix my broken hart i come close to you lord amen

Submitted by chris on 22 May 2007

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lord, i've been feeling better today in many ways, and am sorry i am needing to discuss this with you. I wish to bring before you my need for constant affirmation from those around me, as it is starting to cause issues with those close to me. i wish to repent of my feelings for M- he is married with children and i feel disgusting thinking of him like this. help me not to spend too much time in his company, 'cos its screwing me up. He goes to my church, so i can't avoid him. i am fed up with feeling guilty for things which happened in my past, because of other people doing things to hurt me, 'cos my issues with men have a lot to do with being abused.

Submitted by C on 12 May 2007

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Find it hard to trust you right now God, and feel ashamed of my lack of trust. I can only beg you to soften my heart towards you- not so long ago i felt peace with you again. Don't let me lose the ground I've gained in you so far. You wrote that one who has been forgiven much loves much. Wonder how i can be saved, spirit-filled and still have so much resistance to your will in my life. Sometimes it almost feels like maybe i've not been forgiven at all, and my "assurance" is just arrogance. I know i am not doing well at the moment, please give me a compliant, meek heart, instead of my stubborn independant one. Am so sick of myself right now.

Submitted by C on 9 May 2007

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I have been so apathetic for so long! Jesus it has to change, I want it to change but I don't know how, this is my declaration Lord I want no more of it and I pray that you move in my life, to breathe fire back into my heart, to give me direction and a feeling of purpose, to revive my passion for things, Jesus it has so long since I have felt passion for anything! Renew me my Lord my God, my merciful Saviour, my friend.

Submitted by Libby on 8 May 2007

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lord i'm sorry, i was weak, i am weak, and stupidly human, please forgive me for my faults and my sins, i'm sorry i've screwed up and i'm sorry i tried to hide it from you. i lost you, you didnt leave and i'm sorry i blamed you but know i can see ur light still far off but im getting closer and i know thats where i want to be have to be to live, i need you Lord, i know i stupidly think i dont have to depend on you that i can do it myself but i cant so please take me back and show me your love again, i know you love me but help me forgive myself and know i'm your daughter, i thank you Lord for your amazing forgiveness and grace, i cant comprahand it but i'm so so grateful for it. please bless those i've hurt, bring your love peace and grace into those situations and help us move on together with you Lord, i know you are RIGHT and TRUE and ALL I NEED!!!!!!!!! thank you Lord im sorry, i love you.

Submitted by hanna on 3 May 2007

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Lord, I see your miraculous works in my life everyday, yet I hang on to the mantle of failure. Please Lord take this mantle from me. I know I put it on myself and in my weakness I can't get it off. I love you Lord and want so much to be a useful vessel for you. Thank you for being God Almighty.

Submitted by Bobby on 23 Apr 2007

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Lord I am sorry that I allow this strange god to invade my life would you forgive me and the fellowship I belong to. would you stir up a passion again ,dont let our love for you and each other grow cold please forgive and bring beauty out of ashes .thank you Jesus

Submitted by janet on 14 Apr 2007

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Lord Every day I fail you and every day I say I will not fail you again. Take my sinful heart, take my weakness, take my failure and replace them with your Strenght, your power over sin, your triumph and guard me, guide me, forgive me. Amen

Submitted by John on 12 Apr 2007

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Lord, I'm sorry for being apathetic, just doing enough and not even that. For being tolerant and 'blind' to issues that are screaming for someone with Your Spirit to break through. I'm sorry that I've let my love grow cold and hiding away trying to protect myself from hurt. In trying to save myself from hurt, i've become selfish and nearsighted. please forgive me, i need You.

Submitted by S on 11 Apr 2007

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